I woke up at five or maybe four. O’clock, yeah, or maybe six. I don’t know. I jumped onto my brother’s bed and yelled for him to wake up, that Santa was here. He wasn’t really here; I just wanted him to get up fast. He woke up real fast and ran downstairs and almost fell. It was funny. And, um, we yelled, MOMMY DADDY WAKE UP when we were running down the stairs, but then we smelled the coffee on and we stopped yelling. We ran and ran forever and ever until we got to the tree and Mommy made us brush our hair before we opened gifts so she could send pictures to Auntie Erma. So we brushed our hair and then tore into our gifts and Daddy said Open your stockings first but we said NO we already brushed our hair and I got a jewelry box and lip gloss and nail polish and that’s when I got mad, when everything was opened
All I asked Santa for Christmas was a My Kelly doll. I told EVERYONE– Santa at the mall and Santa at my school assembly and everyone from Daisies and Gramma and Grandpa and Carol- she’s the troop leader. And I ESPECIALLY told Mommy and Daddy. I told them every day, and Mommy heard me pray to God and baby Jesus for a My Kelly doll every night. I felt like there were worms and dogs and frogs and everything in my stomach when I didn’t get her
We had to go back to school I think a week later, but we had a Daisy Scout meeting the day after Christmas. Jenni was in Florida to visit her Gramma and Ashley P. was in Pennsylvania, so there was just some of us there, and then me and Carol, and Mrs. Rolland was the Helper Mom. I packed up my bag with potato chips because Carol called my mom and said Bring chips and so we did and everyone was already there except Lissi because her dog had died but we didn’t know that yet. So we waited for Lissi for a while and talked about what we got for Christmas, except Rachel ’cause she’s Jewish. And EVERYONE got a My Kelly doll except me. Then the phone rang and Carol got a serious look and put up the quiet sign and said Lissi called Scooter died and we were all sad but then Mrs. Rolland brought cookies
Then later, after ice cream cake, Rachel said she was real mad that her Uncle Philip didn’t get her another bird like he said he would. And someone else, I think Melissa, said she hated her brother forever and ever for getting her a My Kelly brush and outfit that he knew she already had. And then everyone started saying I wanted this I didn’t get this I hate my brother and then I said We should get our parents back for being so mean. Carol was cleaning up our cups and plates and she came over to me and bent down a little and said You don’t really mean that and I said Yes I do I wish they were DEAD! and everyone got big eyes and Carol took my hands like Gramma does when she gives me money only she calls money a Little Something and says Here’s a Little Something but um Carol took my hands and said You don’t really want them to die and I said yes I do yes I do and everyone was quiet for a long time and then PJ said I wish my mom were dead sometimes and then everyone started saying they wished their parents were dead. Carol asked us grownup questions like Where would you live? How would you get to school? Do you know that death is forever? but we were too busy talking about how cool it would be to have no parents
We thought about getting to eat ice cream for every meal. We thought about riding bikes down the stairs and never having to use indoor voices and turning their bedroom into a swimming pool. And Carol said No! no! but then the meeting started so we had to be quiet. After the Girl Scout pledge but before our parents came, we decided to meet at recess the first day we were back to talk about it. We swore on our My Kelly dolls that we wouldn’t tell anyone, and then I got madder because I didn’t have a My Kelly doll and I started crying and then my mom came to pick me up and made me raviolis and I was happy
I almost forgot all about it but I saw a My Kelly commercial and got mad again, and then PJ called and asked where to meet for recess because we all had different teachers and I said By the Dead Man because there’s a little hill by the kickball place and everyone says someone’s buried there. So we called everyone and said Recess by the Dead Man and they said OK
So everyone came back from vacation all happy and wearing new clothes and Ashley P. said she went SNOWBOARDING and we said oooh and Jenni said she went WINDSURFING and we said oooh and I said I went to the bathroom and everyone laughed but my teacher said Stay after lunch That was disrespectful and I said NOOOOO because I had to meet the Daisy scouts by the Dead Man but she said That’s it Missy Silent Lunch so I had to eat in the class and not in the Cafetorium. Cara is in my class so she told everyone we’d meet tomorrow and I had to say I’m sorry to my teacher for being disrespectful but I thought it was funny
Then the next day I got to go to lunch and everyone said We missed you and I was happy that they did. So we met by the Dead Man and I sat on the tippy top of the hill and made everyone count off like we do in Girl Scouts. My number is 4 so we count off One Two Three to make sure everyone is there. We were all there. Then Rachel said This is a stupid club and I said Do your parents let you watch the grownup shows on late at night? and she said no. I said Do you want to? Could you if you had no parents? and she got happy and said I bet I could and I’d watch every show and laugh at all the jokes that Mommy says I don’t understand. Then I asked everyone why they didn’t like their parents. Melissa lives with just her Mommy and she said she didn’t like her Mommy’s weird boyfriends. We all said What if you had no mom? and she said I’d have no weird people eating macaroni in my TV room. Then for a little while we talked about what we knew about murder. We said maybe it wouldn’t hurt them so much if we held their nose for a long time? Cara said it only takes ten seconds to do that, she saw it on a TV show once. Then she practiced on me. She held my nose and mouth and counted to nine and I bit her because I didn’t want to die and her hands tasted like a rubber ball and she screamed real loud and Mrs. D took me to the principal and took Cara to the nurse. I was so mad and still dizzy. I decided to try nose-holding on my mom
It was the next day or maybe the day after. My mom still wouldn’t let me watch TV or play video games or go on a play date because Cara’s mom called and yelled at my mom for a long time. Mommy was in her chair and I climbed on her lap and said Can we play a game and she smiled and said Ok. I said First sit on your hands and she did. Next I said Close your eyes and she did. Then I pinched her nose. It was a lot bigger and greasier than I thought it would feel. Then she opened her eyes and took my fingers off her nose and said Stop, that hurts. So I had to think of another way
When I got off punishment for biting Cara’s hand, Jenni asked me Is your Mommy ‘fraid of dying? I said I don’t know, she never talks about it. I said Oh except when she’s in a restaurant cause she’s ‘llergic and then I had the idea. My mom is ‘llergic to peanuts! Her throat gets all swelled and she goes COUGH! COUGH! and then her face turns red! So that was Tuesday and today Daddy went food shopping and I asked Could I come? and he said Sure, pumpkin-pie and we went. I asked where the peanuts were and he laughed and said You don’t even like peanuts and you know Mommy gets scared if they’re in the house and I said I do too like them and I threw them in the cart. I called PJ and told her and she started crying and said Don’t Don’t and I heard a click on the phone and I hung up and ran into my brother’s room and he had the phone in his hands and he was all wide-eyed and said You hate Mom and Dad too? and I said Mommy and Daddy are stupid and he said I’m the only third grader in the whole school who can’t ride bikes without a helmet and I look stupid. He said he’d help me. He said Don’t put in whole peanuts, she’ll taste them, so we took the whole jar and poured it onto the floor, and smashed them to a million trillion little pieces with a wooden hammer. Then we put the pieces in all the food in the house- tomato gravy and mayonnaise and cereal and we mixed it in real good so she couldn’t tell and then Mommy just stopped breathing. They took her here and gave her shots and Daddy was crying and my brother was scared kind of because Mommy looked like a balloon and Daddy said Stop using sailor language and Daddy cried some more and Mommy was hooked to wires and it wasn’t fun anymore and I said Sorry to God about what I did and Daddy heard and he told the doctors, I think, and now here I am. Am I in trouble?
written in 2001